“But that’s not what we were doing!”

“That’s not the plan!”

“I don’t want it to be different!”

If these phrases sound familiar, you’re certainly not alone.

Many children thrive on routine and predictability. Knowing what comes next can help them feel safe, confident and in control.

But life doesn’t always follow the plan.

School timetables change. Favourite playgrounds close. Appointments run late. Friends want to play something different. The blue cup is in the dishwasher. And sometimes, the weather simply has other ideas.

For some children, these changes may be disappointing but manageable. For others, even a seemingly small change can feel overwhelming and lead to tears, frustration, anxiety, refusal or shutdown.

The ability to adapt when things don’t go as expected is known as flexible thinking.

At The Therapy Network (TTN), our Occupational Therapists regularly support children to develop flexible thinking through play, everyday experiences and practical strategies. The goal isn’t to expect children to simply “get over it” — it’s to help them feel safe enough to discover that they can cope when things are different.

What Is Flexible Thinking?

Flexible thinking is the ability to adjust our thoughts, emotions and actions when circumstances change.

It helps children to:

  • adapt when routines change
  • cope with unexpected events
  • transition between activities
  • solve problems in different ways
  • recover from disappointment
  • consider another person’s ideas
  • manage uncertainty
  • learn from mistakes
  • find alternative solutions when the first plan doesn’t work.

Rather than believing there is only one “right” way for something to happen, flexible thinkers gradually learn that there may be several possible ways forward.

Like many developmental skills, flexible thinking doesn’t appear overnight. It develops over time through experience, support, practice and opportunities to succeed.

Why Can Change Feel So Difficult?

For some children, change isn’t simply inconvenient.

It can genuinely feel unsafe.

When a child’s brain is expecting one thing and something different suddenly happens, their nervous system may respond as though something has gone wrong.

When a child becomes overwhelmed, the parts of the brain responsible for reasoning, problem-solving and flexible thinking become much harder to access.

This means that telling a distressed child to “just calm down” or “choose something else” may not work in that moment — because their brain may not yet be ready to problem-solve.

Difficulty with change can be particularly noticeable in children who experience differences with:

  • executive functioning
  • emotional regulation
  • sensory processing
  • Autism
  • ADHD
  • anxiety
  • developmental skills.

What can look like stubbornness, refusal or controlling behaviour may actually be a child communicating:

“This feels too hard.”

Understanding what is underneath the reaction can change the way we respond.

Signs Your Child May Be Struggling With Flexible Thinking

Every child experiences disappointment sometimes. However, ongoing difficulty adapting may look like:

  • becoming highly distressed when routines change
  • difficulty transitioning between activities
  • having strong reactions to relatively small changes
  • insisting that things happen in a particular way
  • frequently saying, “That’s not the plan!”
  • preferring the same foods, toys, routes or activities
  • finding it difficult when another child changes the rules of play
  • becoming stuck on mistakes
  • needing frequent reassurance about what will happen next
  • struggling when expectations are unclear
  • avoiding unfamiliar activities or experiences.

For some children, creating sameness is a way of creating safety in a world that can otherwise feel unpredictable.

Flexible Thinking Starts With Feeling Safe

One of the most important things to remember is that children cannot think flexibly when they are overwhelmed.

Before we expect problem-solving, we often need to support regulation.

When children feel calm, connected and understood, they are much better able to consider alternatives.

This is why acknowledging your child’s experience can be so powerful.

Instead of:

“It’s not a big deal.”

Try:

“I know this wasn’t what you were expecting.”

Instead of:

“You’ll be fine.”

Try:

“It’s hard when plans change.”

Validation doesn’t mean that the original plan needs to be restored.

It simply communicates:

“I understand that this is difficult, and I’m here to help you through it.”

Once a child feels understood and regulated, there is often much more space for flexible thinking.

Practical Ways to Build Flexible Thinking

Like any skill, flexibility develops through practice rather than pressure.

Small, supported opportunities to experience change can gradually help children discover that they are capable of adapting.

1. Prepare for the Possibility of Change

Where possible, avoid presenting plans as absolute guarantees.

Instead, gently introduce the idea that plans can sometimes change.

For example:

“We’re planning to go to the park today. If it rains, our Plan B will be a movie afternoon at home.”

This helps children learn that a change of plan doesn’t mean there is no plan at all.

There is simply another option.

2. Make “Plan B” Part of Everyday Life

One of the simplest ways to encourage flexibility is to regularly ask:

“What could our Plan B be?”

You can practise this when everyone is calm.

For example:

“The playground is really busy. What could Plan B be?”

“We’ve run out of your usual cereal. What could we have instead?”

“Our friend can’t come today. What else could we do?”

Over time, children can begin to understand that when one option isn’t available, another possibility usually exists.

3. Notice Flexible Moments

Children often receive plenty of attention when things go wrong.

Try deliberately noticing the moments when your child adapts — even if the change seems small.

You might say:

“You changed your plan really well then.”

“That was flexible thinking.”

“You were disappointed, but you found another idea.”

“I noticed you tried something different when the first idea didn’t work.”

Specific feedback helps children recognise the skills they are developing.

4. Model Flexible Thinking Yourself

Children learn an enormous amount by watching the adults around them.

Rather than hiding every moment of inconvenience or frustration, try calmly narrating how you adapt.

For example:

“That recipe didn’t work the way I expected. I’m going to try something different.”

“The shop is closed. That wasn’t my plan, but we can think of another option.”

“I thought we were leaving at ten, but now we need to leave later. I’m changing my plan.”

This sends an important message:

Flexible thinking is something everyone practises.

5. Use Play to Practise Flexibility

Play creates a safe and motivating environment for children to practise adapting.

Activities that naturally encourage flexible thinking include:

  • board games
  • card games
  • obstacle courses
  • imaginative and role play
  • LEGO® or construction challenges
  • treasure hunts
  • Simon Says
  • charades
  • collaborative drawing
  • building challenges.

You might occasionally change one small element of a familiar game or activity and support your child to work out what to do next.

The aim is not to deliberately frustrate them. It is to create small, manageable opportunities for successful adaptation.

6. Offer Choices When Possible

Unexpected change can feel easier when a child still has some control over what happens next.

Instead of:

“The park is closed. We’re not going.”

You could say:

“The park is closed today. Would you like to ride your bike or go to the library instead?”

The original plan has still changed, but your child has some agency within the new situation.

For many children, this can reduce anxiety and make the transition to Plan B much easier.

7. Practise Flexibility When Your Child Is Calm

The middle of a major meltdown is usually not the best time to teach flexible thinking.

Instead, practise these skills during everyday moments when your child feels regulated and secure.

You can talk about:

  • what might happen if the weather changes
  • different ways to build the same LEGO® structure
  • several possible endings to a story
  • different routes to school
  • alternative meals
  • different ways to solve a problem.

These small experiences build a bank of successful flexible-thinking moments that children can draw upon when bigger changes occur.

8. Expect Progress — Not Perfection

Even adults can become frustrated when plans suddenly change.

The goal is not for children to stop feeling disappointed.

Feeling disappointed is completely okay.

Instead, we want children to gradually develop the ability to:

  • recognise that the plan has changed
  • manage the feelings that come with that change
  • consider another option
  • recover
  • continue with their day.

For one child, progress might mean accepting Plan B immediately.

For another, progress might mean reducing a 30-minute meltdown to 15 minutes.

For someone else, it might simply mean being able to say:

“I’m really upset because I wanted the other plan.”

All of these can represent meaningful growth.

Flexible Thinking and Emotional Regulation Go Hand in Hand

Flexible thinking and emotional regulation are closely connected.

When children are emotionally regulated, they are better able to think, problem-solve and consider alternative solutions.

At the same time, being able to identify another option can help children recover from disappointment and feel less stuck.

Executive functioning skills also play an important role. Children need to be able to shift their attention, inhibit an immediate response, manage emotions and generate another idea — often all at the same time.

That can be a significant demand.

This is why Occupational Therapists often work on flexible thinking, executive functioning and emotional regulation together, rather than treating them as completely separate skills.

How Can Occupational Therapy Help?

At The Therapy Network (TTN), we understand that flexibility isn’t simply about behaviour.

We look at what may be contributing to a child’s difficulty adapting and consider the individual child, their environment, their routines and the demands being placed upon them.

Depending on the child’s needs, our Occupational Therapists may support flexible thinking by:

  • exploring executive functioning skills
  • identifying sensory factors that may make unexpected situations harder
  • supporting emotional awareness and regulation
  • developing coping strategies
  • using play-based activities to practise problem-solving
  • helping children learn to generate alternative ideas
  • creating visual supports and predictable routines
  • introducing concepts such as Plan A and Plan B
  • coaching parents and carers in supportive strategies
  • helping children practise transitions
  • collaborating with schools and educators
  • gradually building tolerance for manageable changes.

Strategies should always be matched to the child’s strengths, interests, developmental level and individual needs.

Growing Resilience One Small Change at a Time

Flexible thinking isn’t about teaching children to simply “put up with” situations that are difficult for them.

It’s about building confidence.

It’s helping children discover:

“I didn’t expect this.”

“I don’t like that the plan changed.”

“But I know what I can do next.”

With patience, connection and plenty of supported opportunities to practise, children can gradually learn that changing the plan doesn’t mean everything is ruined.

Sometimes, it simply means finding another way forward.

At The Therapy Network (TTN), we believe resilience develops through connection, understanding and meaningful everyday experiences. By helping children build flexible thinking skills now, we are supporting abilities they can use throughout school, friendships, family life, community participation and adulthood.

After all, sometimes the strongest trees aren’t the ones that never bend.

They’re the ones that learn how to bend without breaking.

Does Your Child Find Change Particularly Difficult?

If your child becomes highly distressed when routines change, finds transitions challenging or struggles to manage unexpected situations, our Occupational Therapists may help identify the skills and underlying factors contributing to these difficulties.

We can work alongside your family to develop practical, individualised strategies to support emotional regulation, flexible thinking, confidence and participation in everyday life.

Because learning to manage change doesn’t have to happen all at once — sometimes it begins with one small Plan B.